Half Marathon! JKLOL, Breton. But I do totally like to run. Totally.
Anvil. I KNOW, RIGHT? It actually kinda used to be a dump but it reallyreallyreally got cleaned up so it’s all sparkly and fierce now. Seriously, YOU. MUST. GO. There’s the ocean breeze, and the fabulous seagulls, and the sailors are always there hauling cargo? BTND, it is totally spectacular. And yes, I said BTND, not BTED, because that’s how I roll, sister.
Well… here’s the thing. I kindasorta started my own Mage’s Guild in Whiterun? And I didn’t exactly fill out the paperwork on that because The College™ found out about it and they maybesorta shut me down. Where is the HARM, I ask? I mean, yeah I wasn’t really licensed, but whatever! It was right next to where my wife did her apprenticeship (WHOLE story about THAT disaster but I digress because I’m not one to get catty). So it was really noisy and messed up. But hey, I sold like crystals and stuff so we totally made a profit. Oh, you mean now? Occupation… Huh. How about… let me get back to you on that. You square.
Favorite Weapon/Fighting Style
Ew, fighting is so gross. I choose to fight with LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE. Take that, you big meanie.
Magical Aptitude (If Any)
WHERE DO I BEGIN??? Ok, Mysticism. That’s about the alpha and omega of my magical skill, but I’m reallyreallyreally good at it. I am like a human tricorder with my Detect Life awesomeness, I’m like a shiny mirror with all the reflecting I can do with like spells and damage and stuff (they called me “Dazzler” because I totally reflected crap like a disco ball), and I can TRAP SOULS but I don’t do it because it’s kind of mean. Oh, and I can move stuff with the power of my mind. NO JOKE. Funny story there, too. Maybe I’ll get to that later.
Um, I have LOTSANDLOTS of friends and that’s my biggest affiliation EVER. (LOOOVE YOOOOOU!!) I’m also technically a Mage’s Guild member back in Anvil and the Greater Cyrodiilic area, but I’m kinda out of my jurisdiction up here, even though I tried to start an unlicensed chapter up here (fail). I was also a charter member of the Greybeards Youth Outreach Program when I was a kid. Daddy said he was sending me to “camp”, but “camp” turned out to be four creepy middle-aged dudes who never talked. I say again, creeeeeeepy. Add to that the fact that there wasn’t a female for MILES AROUND, and those that WERE around were, like two miles BELOW High Hrothgar (in frickin’ IVARSTEAD! You know what they say about Ivarstead girls… sheesh… and you know what? It’s true. Every word.), and you’re talking about pretty much the crappiest five summers EVER.
Rainbows, sunshine, birds, sequins, leather armor from the waist down (HOLLA!!), picking flowers (because it’s kickasser than people would have you believe), books, scrolls, dusty tomes, key collecting, carrying large loads over long distances, running, jumping, climbing trees, putting on makeup when I’m up there (props to Eddie Izzard for that classic quip that like totally sums up my life), moonbeams, crystals, butterflies, the way a woman looks when she’s been at the forge all day and she’s all sweaty and maybe a little sunburned on the face and lower arms area… “hot” does not even qualify as an adequate adjective. Ooh. Alliteration. LOVE that shit too. Oops… can I say “shit”? Totally my bad, you guys. Please don’t hate me.
Meanies, haters, intolerance, people who say you’re not good at anything when you’re actually a master of three different disciplines and if they just got to know you as a person they’d realize you have value and how does this society even function when people just judge you and don’t even bother to get to know you? I also HATEHATEHATE it when people bitch at you for run-on sentences. I mean what is up with that? Seriously? Oh, and chicks that assume that “a back rub” is really just a back rub. GROW UP, GIRL. It’s the Fourth Era for Todd’s Sake.
So, lemme see. I grew up in Anvil, which is pretty much a port town down in Cyrodiil. Dad was the captain of a fishing trawler, and of course summertime is
totally merringar season, so he’d pack me up and send me off to High Hrothgar every year, and his boat would leave from Anvil and take like a month to get up here, and I had to walk all the way to Solitude like every three days when he happened to be in port. We’d hang out and do guy stuff. It was pretty cool. But needless to say my Athletics fetish started with those long-ass walks. Finally mom got fed up with the both of us being gone all summer, and we all moved to Skyrim when I was like 12. I had to change schools, which was a bitch. Went from the (pretty classy) Mages Guild to the (kinda nifty but depressing) College of Winterhold. But still, every summer they’d send me up that damn mountain.
It was cool I guess, though, me and the Greybeards. They never talked cuz it would, like, blow off the side of the building or whatever, but I learned to read lips real well, but that got kinda tedious. So I spent a LOT of time reading cuz I was like totally bored. Problem was they had this huge library that was, like, 90% dragon stuff. But I got into it after a while. Learned some REALLY interesting stuff that I never really thought I’d use. I mean, I figured it was just a myth. Boy, was I wrong about that. Funny how stuff works out.
Speaking of how stuff works out… my wife? Mute. So when a guy comes along with stunningly defined leg muscles that can also read lips like REALLYREALLY well? That’s what you call a double-decker deal-sealer, bro. Can I get a booyakasha? This is where I drop the microphone and walk off the stage, and you just marvel at my brazen fabulousness as you watch me go. Omitodd… I am SO SORRY! I think I’ve been hanging out with Soris too much. Maybe I need a cleanse…
What is your ideal recreational activity?
Makin’ babies. After a long day on the forge. I mean, her on the forge and me maybe picking mountain flowers all day. Or maybe reading. OOH.. Reading ABOUT flower picking. Now that’s foreplay if I’ve ever seen it. But seriously. I like hanging out with my kids, we go out picking flowers… make a day of it, y’know? The boys and I just hang out and skip through the hills… y’know… guy stuff. My daughter kinda takes after her mom. She’s all “swordy and Nordy”. But she kinda tags along with us guys and hits stuff with sticks. I think she’s learning to curse in Ancient Nordic, but… I’m not entirely sure.
What is your best feature?
My fabulousness. No, seriously. Take a look. Drink it in. You could level architecture with the sharp angles of my eyebrows. My lips are fabulousness incarnate. My shiny head is bowling ball smooth, and just as effective at knocking shit down if I put my mind to it. Get it? With the telekinesis? It’s mystic humor. Probably a little over your head. OOH! Pun!
Let’s be honest. What’s your claim to fame?
The Telekinesis “Scandal” (whatEVER) of 4E187. ‘Nuff Frickin’ Said. Microphone. Floor. Booyakasha.